The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
