The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize