she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
