i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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