No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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