i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
