it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize