she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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