I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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