Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
