im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
