Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
