I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize