Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
