im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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