Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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