when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
