now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
