Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
