I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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