I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize