Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
porn star boner night. come get it.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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