his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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