I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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