Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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