:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
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