i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
