And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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