i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
