piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
