Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
