Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
