dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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