Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize