You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
