I can feel you judging me through the phone.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
