This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You are the jesus of drinking
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
