My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Are my feet made of real feet?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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