Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
