I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
