Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
