my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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