Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
