Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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