The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
