Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
