She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
