I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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