I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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