guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Randomize
