I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
