i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
