I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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