Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize