my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
