I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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