Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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