i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
