The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
