Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize