i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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