I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
