Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
