my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
