Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
